Senator Amy Klobuchar disappointed democrats on Thursday, with the announcement that she was “removing herself as a candidate” for vice president to Joe Biden. This is “a historic moment” and she thinks Joe needs a black running mate, to match his soul, currently held in a voodoo jar by left-wing radicals, some say.
Klobuchar doesn’t feel black enough
The former presidential contender told MSNBC that she reached out to Joe in his basement to break the news that she’s stepping aside because she’s just not black enough for the job. “This is a moment to put a woman of color on that ticket,” she graciously offers. That way she doesn’t have to mention any of the nasty Tara Reade business.
Biden promised to chose a woman for the job and the party base is holding him to it. Klobuchar was a favorite of the moderates who considered her a strong presidential candidate and loved the way she answered her debate questions. “There are so many incredibly qualified women,” the senator notes. “But if you want to heal this nation,” we need a black vice president. It would surely be, she insists, “a hell of a way to do it.”
She suddenly lost favor when her “record as a Minnesota prosecutor came under new scrutiny.” She had the nerve to let police officers do their jobs. “Her record of not bringing charges against officers involved in alleged cases of police brutality against black men especially became a liability.”
Looking like Kamala Harris
The women on the short list are all secretly hoping it won’t come down to them, except one. Every day, it’s looking more and more likely that Kamala Harris will end up with the offer. Pocahontas Elizabeth Warren still has her war paint on and allegedly would welcome if Joe got a little frisky. Susan Rice could get the nod if she’s not in jail by the primary. Val Demings, Keisha Lance Bottoms and Michelle Lujan Grisham are still contenders.
Harris was a close friend of Joe’s son. That’s the the deceased “good” son Beau, not Hunter, the crack-head with a cushy job in Ukraine. She smokes weed so strong you can hear music from the future so she doesn’t mind if Joe gets a little creepy. You can expect the former prosecutor to keep a spray bottle handy in case he gets any ideas though.
Biden doesn’t seem too broken up about Klobuchar’s news. He issued a statement making people wonder if he gets TV reception in his basement. “from the moment you announced you were running for president in a snowstorm, it wasn’t hard to see you had the grit and determination to do anything you set your mind to. You know how to get things done. With your help, we’re going to beat Donald Trump.” Ah ha! So she’s the secret weapon that Democrats are relying on. Since she dropped out, he’s sure to win now.